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For centuries, mental health has been a widely ignored subject. Mental health did not begin creeping into mainstream society until 1946, when Harry Truman signed the National Mental Health Act. The National Mental Health Act called for research into the mind, brain, and behaviors, establishing the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Beyond that, other mental health organizations were founded throughout the 1900s and into the early 2000s, such as the Suicide Prevention Resource Center and Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
Fast forward to today, and mental health is practically mainstream. Prominent athletes and celebrities with hundreds of thousands of fans have come out to share their mental health challenges. Countless numbers of advocacy groups and organizations have been established. Thousands of apps can be downloaded aimed at improving mental well-being. Mental health is no longer taboo.
Even with mental health so widely discussed and acknowledged in the modern world, men continue to struggle, and the statistics are troubling. Men died by suicide 3.88x more than women in 2020. Men are two times more likely to binge drink than women and three times as likely to die of alcohol abuse. Lastly, in a survey conducted by the Today show, 49% of men said they felt more depressed than they were willing to admit to the people in their lives. It’s clear that men need help, but mental health stigma keeps them from seeking it.
What are the reasons men refuse help?
1. Feeling Weak
The first reason men avoid seeking help is fear of feeling weak. Societal standards have placed so much pressure on men to avoid showing emotion that they bottle everything up. Traditional masculinity has led all men to believe that to ‘be a man,’ you need to walk, talk, and act a specific way. This usually means that men must be tough, fearless, and invulnerable. Society’s standards will look down upon characteristics that stray from these principles.
2. Fear of Judgment
Another big reason men avoid seeking help is their fear of judgment. Men fear being judged by those in their circle. They fear being judged by their family, colleagues, and friends. Men believe that if they openly discuss struggling with their mental health, they will be met, not with empathy or compassion, but with criticism and disapproval. Although men may not admit it, they need companionship to survive.
The fear of judgment is based on the fear of being treated differently or abandoned by the people around us. This is why the loneliness epidemic is such a big deal. Loneliness harms our mental and physical health. Scientific studies have shown that excessive loneliness increases our mortality risk, more so than smoking fifteen cigarettes a day, being an alcoholic, or obesity.
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3. They Can Handle it Alone
As men, they always want to believe they can do everything independently. In traditional society, a man’s sole purpose is to provide for his family and protect them. It was a man’s responsibility to go to work, make an income, and put food on the table. It was also a man’s job to protect his family and never rely on anyone else. With all the individualism that comes with these responsibilities, how can men be expected to admit when they need help?
I like to think of it in terms of movie characters and fictional superheroes. Batman, the ultimate individualistic superhero after witnessing the death of his parents, often fights crime alone, retreats to the Batcave, and only lives with his butler. Superman flies all by himself when saving the world. James Bond, 007, works alone when going undercover or chasing down bad guys. Masculinity and heroism are naturally portrayed as individualistic, so it’s no surprise that men refuse to seek help even when they need it.
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4. Fear of Embarrassment
Lastly, the fear of embarrassment often keeps men from seeking help. The fear of embarrassment has everything to do with how men view themselves. They’re supposed to control and even suppress their emotions. Men are supposed to be strong and show no weakness. By seeking help, they feel they’re incapable of being self-sufficient.
In their eyes, they’re responsible for everything that happens to them. If they don’t perform well in their careers, they don’t work hard enough. If a man’s mental health suffers, he’s not doing an excellent job of taking care of it, and thus he feels embarrassed. Embarrassment often lies in the belief that they should be capable of caring for their mental health. In the real world, everyone needs someone to lean on to survive and thrive… even men.
Now that I’ve laid out why men don’t seek help, let me explain why these reasons are wrong.
Weakness is Strength
Traditional masculinity has led them to believe that to be a ‘man,’ they need to walk, talk, and act a specific way. Characteristics often associated with traditional masculinity are toughness, fearlessness, and being invulnerable. Men feel weak when they seek help for their mental health. However, the narrative needs to be flipped.
Seeking help is not a weakness because it takes courage to admit when you need help. It takes courage to go against the grain of traditional society. Seeking help shows a man’s ability to be flexible. A man can wear many different caps, and focusing on his mental health is just another one to add to the stack. Lastly, seeking help shows an ability to be open-minded. Nothing is more admirable in a man than admitting that they don’t know what they don’t know.
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Overcoming Fear of Judgment
A man fears being judged by his family, colleagues, and especially his friends when seeking help for his mental health. Men fear their perception will be altered, and they’ll be abandoned by those they care about most. Nevertheless, there are two ways to look at this situation.
First off, more likely than not, the worst-case scenario is swirling around in a man’s head. He’s thinking about all the terrible things his family and friends will do or say when he admits that he needs help. Speaking from personal experience, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. I was met with overwhelming support when I confessed to my family and friends that I was going to therapy and focusing on my mental health. I can guarantee you will too.
On the flip side, if they are met with criticism and vitriol from those closest to them, it should tell them something. It means that these are not people they want to surround themselves with. By being true to themselves and what they need, they’ll unmask those around them, which allows them to see who helps them grow and who hinders that growth.
Don’t Handle it Alone
Men feel as though they can handle anything on their own. They can provide income, support, and protection. Men are often taught not to rely on other people in their lives. If they don’t need to rely on others for financial support, food, or security, why should they rely on someone else to care for their mind?
Men need help because, like everyone else, they don’t have all the answers. If their car breaks down, they consult a mechanic to see how it can be fixed. They hire a financial advisor if they need more time to manage their money. There are billions of people in this world, and everyone specializes in something. They should let someone else’s strength help them with their “weakness.”
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Embarrassment is Internal
Men can feel embarrassed by the fact that they’re struggling with their mental health. Men are supposed to be able to control and suppress their emotions. They’re supposed to be self-sufficient, which means being strong and showing no weakness. They fear what others may think of them if they decide to get help. However, embarrassment is internal and never materializes as they believe it will.
Although they may think people will make fun of them for seeking help for their mental health, the reaction is usually the opposite. Fear of embarrassment comes down to how they view themselves. They internalize that they should be able to control their emotions, so they feel embarrassed. The people that love them the most will always lift them up when they are down. They can count on them to encourage and support them as they start the journey toward prioritizing their mental health.
Let’s break the male mental health stigma, encourage more men to be vulnerable, and seek help when needed!
